if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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