how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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