Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
don't judge my taste in strippers
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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