I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
