I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
