Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
