I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
