Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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