Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
