In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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