I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
