Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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