Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
