All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
