I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
