I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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