dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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