yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
