Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
