Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
