I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
