Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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