I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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