i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
