Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
