my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
