Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Dicks are not precious.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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