between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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