I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
how drunk are you?
Several
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
