I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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