somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If that was your dad, he is hot
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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