I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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