At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
