My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
