I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
