I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
