my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
