Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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