which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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