i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He better not be in your backpack
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
