Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
