Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
