dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
