We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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