weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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