Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
