So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
