I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
