chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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