I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
