Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
