i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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