this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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