Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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